Kim Harms

Life Reconstructed

Remembering This Mommy’s Broken Heart

4 Comments

The paragraphs below are from my journal entry on Carter’s first day of kindergarten. That was one of the hardest days of my life.  I spent the better part of the day crying as I thought of him being in a place he did not want to be on his 6th birthday! Even reading through this now brings tears to my eyes.

This year I will send my baby to school. I don’t like thinking about it, and I’m sure I will shed many tears as he happily runs off to be with his friends. I know I will write about that experience too, but for now I’m reminiscing.

“Six years ago this morning  I was holding my brand new baby boy thinking of all the things we would do together and all the time we would spend together, oblivious to the speed at which father time had the cruise control set. Other moms told me repeatedly, “Enjoy this while it lasts. They don’t stay little for long.” Cliché, Cliché’ I listened, but I didn’t believe them, not really. Now I do. Now I understand.

This morning I can hardly stop the tears that started flowing
last night at bedtime when my scared son said with his wet eyes that he didn’t
want to go to school. He wanted to stay home with me. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him and tell him he could stay, that he didn’t have to start school, that we could go to any park he wanted to and eat lunch at Chuck E. Cheese, and  he and Owen could dump out all the toys in the basement and not clean them up, and they could watch 5 movies and eat candy all day and go get super muddy in the creek, and then we could go get a pet kitty even though I’m allergic…

It’s just so hard to make your child do something they are scared to do, even when you know it is the right thing.

As I sit here with my heart breaking and
a lump in my throat, I hope Carter is pleasantly surprised by having fun his
first day of school. I hope he makes a new friend. I hope someone says something to make him laugh. I hope his teacher makes him feel at home. I hope he builds an awesome lego ship or colors a cool picture. I hope he gets something yummy for lunch. I hope he gets to play with Joe at recess. I hope he misses his brother, but not so much that it makes him upset. And most of all, I hope he is not as lonely for me as I am for him because that would make for a very long sad day.”

***By the way, I don’t think he would readily admit it, but I do believe my soon-to-be 5th-grader has grown to enjoy school (at least parts of it.)

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Author: Kim Harms

I am a contributor at CT Women (previously known as Today's Christian Woman where I was a regular contributor as well). I blog monthly at inspireafire.com and have freelanced for a variety of publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, Guideposts, Thriving Family and Creation Illustrated. Cancer made an unwelcome visit in my breast in January 2016, and I am now working on a book about breast reconstruction after having gone through the insane process myself. My incredible husband of 18 years, Corey, is my biggest writing cheerleader and together we are having a ball raising our three growing boys; Carter 15, Owen 14 and Lewis 10.

4 thoughts on “Remembering This Mommy’s Broken Heart

  1. Kim, I can so relate. This made me cry and laugh. My baby goes to high school this year…and that part about father time having the cruise control on fast–that’s true. Thanks for letting us glimpse inside your journal.

  2. I am such a baby… I thought I could hold it in… Lol
    Beautiful words that extend so far, “It’s just so hard to make your child do something they are scared to do, even when you know it is the right thing.”
    Yesterday, Ahava got in trouble. She wasn’t allowed to play with toys the rest of the day (only read books), along with some other consequences. I almost gave in so many times… But as Relient K sings in one of my favorite lines, “the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.”

  3. I’m hoping I will have an easier time emotionally sending Lewis to school (I know he’s gonna love it). But he’s my baby, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be broken-hearted all over again.

  4. I know I will feel exactly the same when Blake starts early kindergarten this year. He is my first born and has been my life for the past 5 years. The thought of having him gone all day absolutey breaks my heart. I remind myself daily that it will be the best thing for him, and he’ll make so many new friends. I know it sounds selfish but I want to keep him with me forever!

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