The paragraphs below are from my journal entry on Carter’s first day of kindergarten. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I spent the better part of the day crying as I thought of him being in a place he did not want to be on his 6th birthday! Even reading through this now brings tears to my eyes.
This year I will send my baby to school. I don’t like thinking about it, and I’m sure I will shed many tears as he happily runs off to be with his friends. I know I will write about that experience too, but for now I’m reminiscing.
“Six years ago this morning I was holding my brand new baby boy thinking of all the things we would do together and all the time we would spend together, oblivious to the speed at which father time had the cruise control set. Other moms told me repeatedly, “Enjoy this while it lasts. They don’t stay little for long.” Cliché, Cliché’ I listened, but I didn’t believe them, not really. Now I do. Now I understand.
This morning I can hardly stop the tears that started flowing
last night at bedtime when my scared son said with his wet eyes that he didn’t
want to go to school. He wanted to stay home with me. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him and tell him he could stay, that he didn’t have to start school, that we could go to any park he wanted to and eat lunch at Chuck E. Cheese, and he and Owen could dump out all the toys in the basement and not clean them up, and they could watch 5 movies and eat candy all day and go get super muddy in the creek, and then we could go get a pet kitty even though I’m allergic…
It’s just so hard to make your child do something they are scared to do, even when you know it is the right thing.
As I sit here with my heart breaking and
a lump in my throat, I hope Carter is pleasantly surprised by having fun his
first day of school. I hope he makes a new friend. I hope someone says something to make him laugh. I hope his teacher makes him feel at home. I hope he builds an awesome lego ship or colors a cool picture. I hope he gets something yummy for lunch. I hope he gets to play with Joe at recess. I hope he misses his brother, but not so much that it makes him upset. And most of all, I hope he is not as lonely for me as I am for him because that would make for a very long sad day.”
***By the way, I don’t think he would readily admit it, but I do believe my soon-to-be 5th-grader has grown to enjoy school (at least parts of it.)