A coffee and my Bible. An unanswered why and uncontrollable tears.
This is how I started my day.
I trust Jesus.
I know the Word of God is Truth.
I have seen beautiful things come from ugly things this year.
But I still have mornings of whys.
I’ve wondered why I got cancer. Not in a Why me? I don’t deserve this kind of way. (I have honestly never struggled with that.) But more in a What purpose does this serve in my life? kind of way. I know God wouldn’t run me through the wringer for nothing, but I don’t have a clear answer to that why.
I’ve wondered why, in a family with no history of breast cancer, my cousin who is one year older than me and who grew up two blocks away from me was diagnosed with breast cancer just three months after me.
I’ve wondered why Corey and I were presented with a challenging personal obstacle to work through in the midst of cancer. Some days this year I felt like I had to remind God I had cancer. Like Hey Mr. Creator of the Universe, are you sure you want to lay this thing on me right now? I’m kind of busy dealing with a bilateral mastectomy at the moment.
I’ve wondered why I often can’t seem to focus long enough to organize the words floating in my head into a cohesive sentence on my laptop. This makes me seriously wonder about my choice of vocation.
There have been a lot of whys this year.
But the unexpected why that hit me this morning?
Why can’t I stop crying?
Why, after having completed my reconstructive surgery and having entered the homestretch of healing, do I want to climb in bed and cry myself to sleep? I should be jumping up and down and praising God that it’s over. I should feel immense relief. Instead, this morning I just feel heavy.
I don’t have the answer. But I do have this.
As I sipped coffee on my deck (and blew my nose on a paper towel because we’re out of kleenex), I opened up my Bible to Jeremiah and read “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it – the Lord is his name; Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:2-3)
Great and unsearchable things. I will probably never fully understand this year. I suspect I will teeter-totter from a heavy heart to unspeakable joy and back several more times. But God says when I call, he will answer. And not only will he answer, but he will show me great and unsearchable things.
And that gives me comfort in the midst of the heavy.
Comfort because I know his words are as true and real as these tears on my cheeks.