For This Child I Prayed

He sings most nights.

People find it cute that my youngest lulls himself to sleep with song. But I know those melodies are God reminding me, “Enjoy this one and remember what I did for you.”

Years ago, my best friend and I found out we were pregnant within weeks of each other. I was thrilled that we could go through pregnancy together and knew our babies would be buddies. Then I started bleeding. Gripped with fear, Corey and I pleaded with God to let us keep that baby. But as time passed we realized his answer was, “No. Not this one.”

I crashed and shattered to a million pieces inside. Grief overcame me. And soon I let that grief take an ugly turn. I became jealous of my best friend and angry at God. “Why would you make me watch Marti’s pregnancy while grieving my own? How can you be so cruel? Can’t you see how much this hurts?”

I struggled to worship at church. Those around me were singing praise to God, and I was the hypocrite in the crowd singing things I did not feel. But though I didn’t feel close to God, I still prayed. Sometimes they were ugly, selfish prayers, but I prayed nonetheless. I prayed through the anger. I prayed through the jealousy. I prayed earnestly for a baby.  The more I chose prayer, the closer I felt to the God. And the closer I felt to him, the more difficult it was to stay angry and jealous.

Then Marti’s baby was born. Feelings I thought I had overcome came whirling to the surface. My emotions fought inside me as I drove to meet her third boy. But I walked into that hospital wanting more than ever to be genuinely happy for my friend.

When Ethan was placed in my arms, I was overcome with joy even as I fought through pain. What an amazingly beautiful emotion; that of joy and pain mixed. Ethan was chosen by God for Marti and I knew it that day.

From then on, I started praying for peace in God’s will. If it was not his plan for us to have a third child, I wanted to come to a place of acceptance. But he did choose to bless us with a third.

On May 7, 2007 a perfect newborn was placed in my arms. Baby Lewis who rarely cried, who was happiest when his big brothers created chaos around him, and who began singing himself to sleep even before he could speak a word.

A beautiful nightly concert that has carried over into his childhood. Sometimes still, as I stand beside his bedroom door and listen to my sweet boy sing, I’m overcome with memories of our journey to get here. I am reminded that God had this picture of our family in his realm of vision when our last baby returned to his heavenly arms. He knew what I couldn’t possibly know. That this beautiful singing boy was the one to complete our family.

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me the desires of my heart.

1 Samuel 1:27