19 Ways to Love Your Wife

Artwork by Kim Harms 19 ways to love your wife

I’ve been on the receiving end of sweet selfless love since my wedding day 19 years ago. Corey has got loving me figured out. Want to make your wife feel loved? Read on. 19 ways to love your wife.

Date Her.

This is much easier for us now that our kids are older, but alone time is just as important when you’ve got toddlers running around. So put on a button down shirt, shave that scruffy face and take your woman out for steak. Or grab Hy-Vee Chinese and play board games in your living room. Or pack a lunch and go to a park. The options are endless, but they won’t happen if you don’t make them happen.

Love Her With Actions.

There will be times when more than anything in the world, you will want to carry her burdens. But sometimes you can’t. What you can do is hold her up while she carries them. Shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, Corey showed up at home in the middle of the day simply to rub my feet and hold me while I cried. This is love in action.

Love Her With Words.

Tell her she’s beautiful. Sometimes we ladies need to hear it a million times to believe it. After my bilateral mastectomy, when the mirror spoke lies to me, Corey gently covered those lies with truth-filled words. Over and over and over he told me I was beautiful.

Give Her Flowers.

This is a no-brainer. I’m sure there’s a woman somewhere who doesn’t like flowers, but I haven’t met her.

Watch a Chick Flick.

We don’t watch a lot of chick flicks over here in boy world. But it’s a beautiful thing when Corey spends two hours with me eating popcorn and watching Jane and Mr. Rochester fall in love.

Teach Your Children to Respect Her.

We’ve witnessed a lot of kids sassing their mamas at social gatherings and events over the years, and Corey always seizes the moment to train my boys. The car ride home usually goes something like this. “You remember how (insert name here) was sassing back to his mom? If I ever hear your disrespecting your mom, you are going to regret it for a long long time. I helped bring you into this world, and I’ll take you out.” Your wife’s life will be easier if her children respect their mama, and you can play a significant role in making sure they do.

Eat Her Mediocre Cooking.

Unless she makes Tilapia that tastes like gelatinous lake water. Then tell you love her, and order a pizza.

Push Her Out of Her Comfort Zone.

If Corey hadn’t pushed me out of my comfort zone, I never would have hiked 11 miles to camp on a secluded beach and shower in a waterfall. I wouldn’t have spearheaded family backpacking trips to Northern Minnesota and Colorado. And I wouldn’t know the physical challenges that I am capable of enjoying and conquering.

Photo by Kim Harms
Our tiny tent at the base of a waterfall at the end of the Kalalau Trail.

Sacrifice Your Sleep for Her.

I had jaw surgery when we were dating and was left with a face shaped like a balloon and a mouth tightly banded shut. I sounded like Darth Vader when I breathed, and I honestly thought I might die if I fell asleep. So he stayed up with me all night in my folks living room. In my mind he was keeping me alive, but probably in his mind he was tolerating my insanity. Regardless, that’s the night I realized I was in love.

Give Up Your Dreams for Her Needs.

I’m not suggesting you give up all your dreams. Marriage is give and take. But giving up things for her can show her the deepest kind of love. I didn’t realize until years after the fact what a sacrifice it was for Corey to give up his desire to have five children. He always wanted a lot of kids, but when I told him I didn’t think I could physically or emotionally handle another pregnancy, his response was “Okay.” And with that one word, his dream died for my sake.

Encourage Her to Go Out with Her Friends.

She needs you, but she needs her girlfriends too. There are things that only another girl can understand.

Fight the Fights.

Corey and I don’t fight a lot, but we have pushed our way through some arguments over the years. Your relationship is worth fighting for. Sometimes a little yelling might be what it takes to squash bitterness before it has time to take root. So fight the fights.

Cry with Her.

We’ve had a lot of tears in the past couple years. Sometimes a tiny little thing will trigger a memory, and we’ll find ourselves weeping by the kitchen sink. I’m convinced that each tear brings us closer.

Pray for Her.

Living with the pressures of this world is hard. Never stop praying for her.

Don’t Try to Fix All Her Problems.

You’ve all heard this a million times, but it’s true, your wife doesn’t want you to solve all her problems. She usually just wants you to listen. Corey Paul Harms is pretty great at that.

Support Her Passions.

I’ve got writing in my veins. I love words. I love arranging them on the screen like a jigsaw puzzle. And when I’m not writing them in real life, I’m usually writing them in my head. Corey has encouraged me from day one. Without his support, you wouldn’t be reading this post.

Make Her Laugh.

One of our first “unofficial” dates was a mud fight on a construction site. It’s been nearly two decades of mud-chunks-stuck-in-your-teeth kinds of craziness at the Harms’ House, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Photo by Kim Harms   Photo by Kim Harms

Take Care of Yourself.

Seriously. Do the things that put gas in your husband tank. Self-care is not selfish. Corey had the opportunity to take a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro a few months ago. He tried to talk himself out of going because of the extra-large price tag and the two weeks he would be away from me and the boys. But I pushed him to go, and I’m so glad he went. He has done so very many hard things behind the scenes the past few years, and I think a mountaintop experience is just what he needed.

Give Her Chocolate.

Enough said.


By KimHarms

Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time library assistant with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She and her husband Corey have three super-awesome sons and one crazy dog. A two-time breast cancer survivor, her first book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction (Familius), is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She is currently working on her second book, a devotional for women going through breast cancer.


  1. One of many reasons my second marriage failed, was because he would not do about 18 of these things. Now, it takes 2 to fail so I’m sure I am not blameless, but wives, if you can communicate this list to your husband, sons, brothers, etc, you will do a good thing. Thank you Kim.
    Oh, fyi, the first one died…..he was great at about 18 of these things.

    1. Thanks for sharing Cathy. And I agree, sometimes we need to communicate to our husbands the things that make us feel most loved. We really want them to be able to read our minds, but it just doesn’t work that way 🙂

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