January Twenty

8 years ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

1 year ago today, I had to call Corey at work (in the middle of what is arguably the most awful project he’s been involved in during his 20+ years with his employer) and say,

“I found a lump in my armpit, and Dr. Harishand wants me to come in today.’”

We all know how that turned out.

This world and this body of mine just suck sometimes. But I still believe God is good. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.

He never promised that ugly stuff wouldn’t happen in my life. He just promised he would be with me. And he has.

There have been hard days when I’ve struggled to feel his presence.

When my feeble mind angrily screams over and over. “He has left you here alone. He has left you here alone. He has left you here alone.” 

Somedays that voice is so very loud that it drowns out the quiet one underneath it all whispering “Here I am. Here I am. Here I am.”

Cancer has taken so much. It has doled out a lot of ugliness into the lives of this little family. But I serve a God who is in the business of taking ugly things and making them beautiful.

And that Truth is not dependent on how much I feel him on any particular day. It is dependent on his unfailing faithfulness.

A faithfulness that I have experienced over and over and over in a year where the scales tipped strongly on the side of did-someone-catch-the-license-plate-of-that-mac-truck-that-just-hit-me?

Because of that, on this hard calendar day, when that still soft voice whispers, “Are you still with me?” I will say, “I am here. I am here. I am here.”

By KimHarms

Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time library assistant with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She and her husband Corey have three super-awesome sons and one crazy dog. A two-time breast cancer survivor, her first book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction (Familius), is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She is currently working on her second book, a devotional for women going through breast cancer.

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